Just a Kiss, Really?

 I drove home after having a wonderful day at my mom’s pool; Lady Antebellum sang “Just a kiss” on the radio. For the first time I listened to the lyrics, imagining what those moved by their songs might feel while listening. Upon realizing what this song was about, I was struck with curiosity. Does sleeping with a man (or woman) on the first date REALLY matter?

I have slept with quite a few men in my time, and in fact, I have never had an issue with admitting this. My choices in that regard were my own and I have never felt as though I owed my “promiscuity” to any childhood trauma or lack of affection, etc… I always liked the thought of sex and the act itself wasn’t too bad either. Granted, I was a mother at seventeen, yet, my daughter’s father was one of the few I didn’t sleep with right away; this might only be true because he was a virgin—me not so much…

My last two marriages, however, resulted from first date sex. I suppose, if you were over presumptuous regarding my sexual “freedom”, you may infer that I had so many partners that some were bound for matrimony. Unfortunately, my self proclaimed promiscuity is just an over dramatization, vis-à-vis my perception of societal norms.

When the lead singer of Lady Antebellum struggles with the decision to withhold from the one who she “might have been waiting for her whole life”, I wonder: why?

Is abstaining from sex really that important? Did my marriages fail due to how quickly I allowed myself to engage in sexual relations? I can’t help but laugh out loud at the thought. Much more likely is my constant disregard for an unsuitable match, truly, they may have been more suited for a one night stand…  

Self Discovery

I have begun a process of self discovery; mind, body and soul.

About a year ago, I started to question myself on a number of issues. One was my negative thoughts regarding my step-daughter’s mother and the change that I was beginning to see in myself. Since then, I have been working on forgiveness and compassion, trying to cultivate it in my life and stretch my abilities. The process has been hard and even when I think I’ve got it, I fall short.

This past year has been a challenge. My oldest daughter was diagnosed with ADHD and after a four year battle with the school system; she will be going into a special day class next year. This choice broke my heart. I spent many, many days and nights crying. Going over every mistake I had made with her and feeling as though all of it was my fault; my beautiful little girl was suffering in school because of me and my flaws.

Today, I am taking control. I have taken responsibility for my choices and for my emotions. I will never again place blame where it is not due, and will never look at another, before first, looking at myself.

It’s been five and a half years since my DH and I became a couple; every year a new challenge, every year getting stronger. I feel ready for what I’m choosing to undertake.

I felt the need to cleanse my mind, so for the last 3 weeks I have been practicing different methods of forgiveness and empathy, taken from the Christian and Buddhist perspective. I believe that all of us can find peace within ourselves when we exercise compassion, especially where it is least likely found.

My body has undoubtedly felt the effects of my judgmental and unyielding mind. Not only have I gained unwanted and unneeded weight, I have also started (once again) to have migraine headaches and lack energy. After watching the movie Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead, I decided to reboot my body.

Today is the third day of my juice fast. My diet consists of juice from leafy greens and dark fruits and veggies; all juiced in the juicer at each meal. Juice is my only source of nutrition for the next 2 days. The following five days after the fast will consist of slowly introducing solid veggies, beans, and nuts. Then small amounts of animal products can be introduced.

I am very excited to share my journey!    

Confessions of a Custodial Step-Mom.

When I first met my husband Jon I was in the middle of a nightmare, a nightmare that I had convinced myself was my felicity… It was my wedding day and Jon was a guest.

My life with my Ex husband was emotionally taxing, a whirlwind of jealousy, resentment and infidelity; a massacre of two human souls. I refer to that time in my life as my dark period, a time that I was missing somewhere, my sanity laying dormant. Four years I was submerged lower and lower, until a nineteen year old angel infiltrated my family and saved my life. Her name was Katie and she was everything I wasn’t, or at least, that’s what I was told…

Losing my family was difficult until I was able to face the truth, that there had never been a family at all. The dreams that I had of growing old together, the memories that I painted with all the pretty colors of my pallet, were really just something my mother likes to call the irrational hope syndrome; the self manipulations of an insecure person.

All the things I had lied to myself about I chose to face; I chose to be honest.

When I felt good enough to move forward, Jon was the obvious choice as he was the only single man I knew. We shared the same friends, and although I didn’t know him intimately, I knew him socially and I knew his little girl was very cute. The night of our first date was initiated without much expectation, nothing beyond taking the first step to move forward and hoping I got through it.

True love was ignited in my heart for the first time in my life. I had no idea that the man coming late to my wedding was my soul mate. You know how some say that time stops when they meet The One? Or, how people say, “it felt as if we were the only ones in the room”? Well, that night, in the midst of a crowded room, we were alone.

We had no idea how hard it would be to do something so seemingly simple; be together.      

In Sheer Misery

Please allow me to address your concerns,

Your efforts have not been in vain.

And so easily you could learn,

my losses and your gain.

Trembling, here, I stand brave.

Feigning patience, disdainful compassion.

Please have mercy or I may cave,

slipping into the darkness that I envision.

It is at your will, can you not see?

Here stands your livid counterpart.

Manipulated and all you expect me to be.

No longer just power, but art.

But, your wit too narrow and my lies too deep,

My disguise well hidden, my truth you never meet.

In Defense of Grendel

So Grendel, god cursed demon spoke:
"Cursed am I to live in this hellish place.
Keeping company with monsters and demon,
my own reflection equally damned.
The darkness I endure, you will never know of.
What patience could I bestow on those
who remain in the light? day-walkers.
night after night, punishing me with your felicity,
inflict upon me the song of your glorious world,
created by the one who sent me to exile,
the world I must do without.
This is my destiny, this darkness,
so too will it be your own... I will drag you down,'
to this troll-dam and subject you to your chosen fate.
For with all your merriment, you did not realize
the price you shall pay for it.
You have put your faith in futile things,
and now the one you call anathema will be yourself."

With Respect to Wordsworth

I have sat, endless hours
Overlooking that grand skyline.
Perched above the people of this nurturing city. Almost alone.
I sit, the days number has emptied the chaos. Peace flows
over me as I fly above
The vast field below, up and over the hospital;
My grandfather finding peace. Turning I soar
City buildings, where justice is sometimes served. to the mission, I hold my glance.
History perceived in those walls. My focus shifts
To the right, there, still, I am nine. I smell the dust and age;
The content of this dwelling of knowledge.
Then I am back, above all this and so much more: my whole life,
Past, present and future.

Even now, on the cold inflexibility of my bathroom floor.
I can tune out the bustle of my down-stairs life
And return. Feeling again the warmth and the chill,
All the years of my past, standing there. Will I ever leave?
This place that I love. My home. I feel my unadulterated self.
So true and everlasting. Each time so different than it was before,
So different as I am. She is still the same; ever loyal to her companion.
Take me again! Let me see my grand city and feel her nostalgic Vibrancy;
Make me new!